Writings of a sleep deprived mind

I'm coming to you all at 10:45 PM, after a sleepless night last night. I've been awake for over 24 hours. Perhaps nearing 30 or so, now.

It's amazing how your mind turns on you after so many hours of sleeplessness.

My mind has completely turned on me.

I can't think of anything positive. I'm scared, lonely, and tearing up at anything that resembles sadness.

Everything feels like the weight of the world on me right now. It's hard.

I seem more emotionally clear right now, it seems like my feelings are raw and true, but I'm not sure whether that's the sleep deprivation, or the truth. I don't know what to make of it.

It's like my mind is actually quiet for once. Where once there were a thousand thoughts buzzing around, no moment of peace, is now what would sound as tinnitus. A quiet high pitched hum.
Replace my thoughts with a hum, and I don't know what to do with myself.

It's strange. It's one of the strangest things.

I'm not sure whether or not I like the peace. It's foreign, but relaxing in the most unsettling way.

Anyway, I feel it's time for a bit of a topic change, mid post.
I know, that's not the proper method of writing, but I'm sleep deprived, and considering this is just my ramblings, literary law does not apply here.

So.

It's something I've been struggling with lately.
How do you help a loved one with mental illness, when you're ailed by it too?

It's hard. It really is.
It's an illness wherein talking is what pushes you towards recovery. You need to talk to loved ones around you for their support and help when you're down. But, the thing is, when your loved one suffers from mental illness too, it can go one of two ways.

One, you'll feel terrible. You won't want to add more baggage to their already hefty load, so instead, you bottle up your feelings in sacrifice to be able to listen and fully support them. This is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

Two, you'll dump your load on your loved one, not realising that they've got a load of their own. Now, this isn't a malicious or mean-spirited thing to do, it's innocent in every possible way. You're just seeking support from the loved ones around you, support that you desperately need, and it's okay.
You just need to step back and realise that they need support as well, that the hurt you're feeling, they're feeling too. It may not be identical, but many mental illnesses are similar in the way they hurt.

This is where it gets really hard. Where do you seek the balance?
You and your loved one need to help each other overcome obstacles, rather than stand in front of them, scared and alone. But this is hard when one obstacle is a jump, and the other is a dig.

Perhaps this is where professional help is needed. Going to someone to talk to, let your feelings out and getting help that way. There's nothing wrong with this either. It doesn't mean you think anything less of your loved ones support, it's just not a professional's support. There's a large difference between someone who is trained in dealing with this, and someone who isn't.

Both are helpful, but one is much more likely to help you achieve the mental results you need.

Another method you could try to use, is to overcome your obstacle on your own, and help your loved one through theirs.
Of course, the string attached to this one,  is that you've got to be the stronger one, mentally.
That's why that could never be me. I could pretend I did, but it would never work.

I'm much better at pushing people through their own obstacles, than I am at helping myself over mine.
Even if they are identical.

I'm the dumb one who doesn't taste her own medicine. The one who doesn't practice as she preaches.
This is my own downfall.

Such a luscious and long post, from the ramblings and writings of a sleep deprived mind.

On the mind, and sadness

It's a beautifully fascinating thing, the human mind. From it's self-awareness to the vast effect that emotion can have on us, it's both poetic and tragic from time to time.

Who else gets caught up in their own head?

I do.

All the time.

 My mind teases constantly, with luscious invites to further explore my innermost thoughts, and feelings. Inviting me in for a torturous day of deep thought.

I'm not sure how anyone else feels about it, but I find it hardest to be alone with my own mind.

The negativity seeps in, the self criticism, and it distracts me from anything else. I get lost in my own thoughts. Preferring to sit alone and think, than interact with those around me.

It's hard.

But it's also so, so addicting.

One of my favourite things is to think. To learn, and to think.

At the same time, thinking is one of the things I hate most. It's the hardest thing to keep under control, or in a linear way.

It's spastic and out of place, everywhere at once.

As someone who's had bouts and trials with mental illness, there are the days where I'd love nothing more than to be able to have peace of mind. cease to exist for a little while, or have a mind that can go to complete silence when it's needed.

This post is essentially just the ramblings of an unsettled mind, but maybe it can shed some light into some form of pattern that I can't see.

I've never been sure whether it's a blessing or a curse to have a mind that can turn on me so quickly. A good day can run sour in a matter of two thoughts, just as it can be reversed in the same way.

I've never been sure if that's the signs of a weak mind, or strong one. There's strong arguments for both cases.

Just a post of ramblings on the mind, and sadness.