I've always wanted to be somebody's Songbird

I used to listen to Oasis a lot more than I do now.
It's not that they're bad and my taste has moved from them, but merely because I've had fun exploring other genres and styles. Where I only had 10 musicians I loved, I now have 100.
However, this isn't exactly about their music, but rather, about a specific song. Songbird.

There's a lot of songs that are based in romance. Many more than I could even begin to count. Some more romantic than this, some less. I'm a huge fan of The Beatles, and they have written so many songs that I've longed after, but there's something about Oasis's Songbird that rattles through my heart. See, I've always wanted to be somebody's Songbird.

                                      "Gonna write a song so she can see,
                                         give her all the love she gives to me, 
                                         talk of better days that have yet to come, 
                                         I've never felt this love from anyone"

     Can you just imagine having somebody feel that way about you? That's enough emotion to turn even the most sadistic fuck into a melted pool. Maybe it's the cheery little ditty-tune they have, maybe it's the change in Gallagher's voice when he sings it. It's not my favourite love song, not by any means, but it is the one that has always made me wish to be that to somebody else.

There are but a few songs that make me feel this way. Many are lovely songs from The Beatles.
If you're thinking of the medley of songs chosen for "Across the Universe", I'm sorry but you can turn to another blog now. While they're sweet songs, they're not the sweetest.
Take "I Will" for example. There's no comparison to that one.
            
                                        "And when at last I found you

                                     Your love will fill the air
                                     Make it loud so I can hear you
                                     Make it easy to be near you
                                     All the things you do endear you to me
                                     Oh, you know I will

                                     Love you forever and forever
                                     Love you with all my heart
                                     Love you whenever we're together
                                     Love you when we're apart"

Come on, people. Don't tell me that "I want to hold your hand" beats that. Fuck off.
As an avid Beatles fan, I didn't like Across the Universe. In my opinion, they used the lesser songs done by the band.  They could have gotten the urgency of romance across with much better song selection than they did. It was pretty bad. Can you imagine if they'd used "Til There Was You" instead of "I want to hold your hand"?
Ugh. Whoever chose the songs to cover.. You need to find a new job.

Anyway, back on my point.
I can only hope to one day be the Songbird to someone, the one who makes their heart sing.
It would be such a beautiful thing.

Writings of a sleep deprived mind

I'm coming to you all at 10:45 PM, after a sleepless night last night. I've been awake for over 24 hours. Perhaps nearing 30 or so, now.

It's amazing how your mind turns on you after so many hours of sleeplessness.

My mind has completely turned on me.

I can't think of anything positive. I'm scared, lonely, and tearing up at anything that resembles sadness.

Everything feels like the weight of the world on me right now. It's hard.

I seem more emotionally clear right now, it seems like my feelings are raw and true, but I'm not sure whether that's the sleep deprivation, or the truth. I don't know what to make of it.

It's like my mind is actually quiet for once. Where once there were a thousand thoughts buzzing around, no moment of peace, is now what would sound as tinnitus. A quiet high pitched hum.
Replace my thoughts with a hum, and I don't know what to do with myself.

It's strange. It's one of the strangest things.

I'm not sure whether or not I like the peace. It's foreign, but relaxing in the most unsettling way.

Anyway, I feel it's time for a bit of a topic change, mid post.
I know, that's not the proper method of writing, but I'm sleep deprived, and considering this is just my ramblings, literary law does not apply here.

So.

It's something I've been struggling with lately.
How do you help a loved one with mental illness, when you're ailed by it too?

It's hard. It really is.
It's an illness wherein talking is what pushes you towards recovery. You need to talk to loved ones around you for their support and help when you're down. But, the thing is, when your loved one suffers from mental illness too, it can go one of two ways.

One, you'll feel terrible. You won't want to add more baggage to their already hefty load, so instead, you bottle up your feelings in sacrifice to be able to listen and fully support them. This is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

Two, you'll dump your load on your loved one, not realising that they've got a load of their own. Now, this isn't a malicious or mean-spirited thing to do, it's innocent in every possible way. You're just seeking support from the loved ones around you, support that you desperately need, and it's okay.
You just need to step back and realise that they need support as well, that the hurt you're feeling, they're feeling too. It may not be identical, but many mental illnesses are similar in the way they hurt.

This is where it gets really hard. Where do you seek the balance?
You and your loved one need to help each other overcome obstacles, rather than stand in front of them, scared and alone. But this is hard when one obstacle is a jump, and the other is a dig.

Perhaps this is where professional help is needed. Going to someone to talk to, let your feelings out and getting help that way. There's nothing wrong with this either. It doesn't mean you think anything less of your loved ones support, it's just not a professional's support. There's a large difference between someone who is trained in dealing with this, and someone who isn't.

Both are helpful, but one is much more likely to help you achieve the mental results you need.

Another method you could try to use, is to overcome your obstacle on your own, and help your loved one through theirs.
Of course, the string attached to this one,  is that you've got to be the stronger one, mentally.
That's why that could never be me. I could pretend I did, but it would never work.

I'm much better at pushing people through their own obstacles, than I am at helping myself over mine.
Even if they are identical.

I'm the dumb one who doesn't taste her own medicine. The one who doesn't practice as she preaches.
This is my own downfall.

Such a luscious and long post, from the ramblings and writings of a sleep deprived mind.

On the mind, and sadness

It's a beautifully fascinating thing, the human mind. From it's self-awareness to the vast effect that emotion can have on us, it's both poetic and tragic from time to time.

Who else gets caught up in their own head?

I do.

All the time.

 My mind teases constantly, with luscious invites to further explore my innermost thoughts, and feelings. Inviting me in for a torturous day of deep thought.

I'm not sure how anyone else feels about it, but I find it hardest to be alone with my own mind.

The negativity seeps in, the self criticism, and it distracts me from anything else. I get lost in my own thoughts. Preferring to sit alone and think, than interact with those around me.

It's hard.

But it's also so, so addicting.

One of my favourite things is to think. To learn, and to think.

At the same time, thinking is one of the things I hate most. It's the hardest thing to keep under control, or in a linear way.

It's spastic and out of place, everywhere at once.

As someone who's had bouts and trials with mental illness, there are the days where I'd love nothing more than to be able to have peace of mind. cease to exist for a little while, or have a mind that can go to complete silence when it's needed.

This post is essentially just the ramblings of an unsettled mind, but maybe it can shed some light into some form of pattern that I can't see.

I've never been sure whether it's a blessing or a curse to have a mind that can turn on me so quickly. A good day can run sour in a matter of two thoughts, just as it can be reversed in the same way.

I've never been sure if that's the signs of a weak mind, or strong one. There's strong arguments for both cases.

Just a post of ramblings on the mind, and sadness.

Bell, Let's talk.

Let's talk.

That's what Bell is suggesting we do today. Unfortunately I'm not with Bell for my cellphone (unfortunately for today). While I strongly dislike their service of the customer variety, I have to say that I do respect what they're doing for mental health today.

Everytime you tweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk, 5¢ is donated to mental health initiatives.
Everytime you send a text today under the Bell network, they'll donate 5¢ to mental health initiatives.
Everytime you share the designated photo on Facebook, they'll donate 5¢ to mental health initiatives.

So come on, people of Bell, support those of us who fight the fight of mental illness daily, text, share, and tweet your asses off today!

Something Needs to Change

I came across a video recently, and knowing me, I'm not a very serious person, in the sense that I laugh about many a thing.

This, however, may have made me tear up. Possibly.

It's a good video, it opened my eyes to something I was completely unaware of.

I hope it does the same for all of you, as well.


http://vimeo.com/25563376

After a Long Hiatus

What's the best way to reintroduce myself to writing after a long hiatus?

Hot damn. I'm at a loss here.
I have no clue.

I suppose all I can do is continue on like nothing had happened?

Yes. Let's do that.

So I'm a job jumper. Big time. I can only ever seem to last at a job for a couple months before everything there causes me to rip my hair out.

Such is still the case.

Every job begins the same. Big, wide eyes, eager to learn, happy to help anybody who needs it.

Then time passes.

People aren't so giving. Giving you their shitty shifts, and not covering any of yours.

You like them a little less.

You start to think, "Keep it coming, asshole. Keep on it"

Sure enough, they do.  Your liking of them continues to wane more and more. Soon you find yourself wanting to punch all of them until their face is a fine, fine pulp.

I find myself in such situations often, and I'm finding it again now.

Time to search for another job.

I need to create my own job. Something someone else can pay me for, but it panders to all of my insane little pet peeves.

Fuck, what a life that would be, eh? Anyone care to join me in it?

Work it, Work it, Work it all for Nothing.

How many people can say that they have careers where they feel that they put in a lot of work for a result that's satisfying? I always wonder that.

I don't. I sure as shit don't.

Money isn't the result I want.
Obviously, it's a result I need, considering I have a job in the first place.

But I want to create something.

I don't do that now. Oh hell no.

I create this bubbling angst that makes me want to clock people in the face daily.

That's about it.

I'm heading towards a path where that will be the case, but in the meantime, hell no.

I'm not big on money. I don't feel like I need to live in luxury to enjoy my life.

As long as I live in the way I want to, with enough money to survive, that's all I can ask for.

I want to have that career where I work my fucking ass off, and in the end I have something beautiful to call my own.

Music? If I could play any kind of instrument, yes. For sure.

Unfortunately, I'm about as capable of a kid with no limbs  is for running a marathon.

I'm a musical moron.

All I can do is listen and appreciate the wonderful audial diarrhea that others shit out.

I'm okay with that, too. Kind of.

I lied, I'm not. I want to play an instrument.

But I digress.


My mind has derailed again. Fuck.

I tend to do that often. I get bored of my point halfway through, or I forget it and move on to something else. It's not such a great time.
It makes for terrible story times.

Terrible story times.

My poor future children. They're going to fucking loathe bedtime because mommy couldn't be fucked to finish the story.

What happened to the princess? I don't fucking know. Learn to read, you shit. READ.

In the end of the day, I just work it.

Work it, work it, work it all for nothing.